STUPID Files
by imaginationstarie13
Summary: DISCONTINUED The Super Terrible Undercover Positions Inducing Distress Files are the records of all of those undercover mishaps and embarrassments that ATAC isn't too fond of telling the new agents. Welcome to the not-so-fun part of sleuthing!
1. Intro

This is... more of a side project developed from a conversation on the fourms started by LazyPanther that I'll try to update when I can. Which will hopefully be often...

This is in script form during present time, but flashbacks will be regular, first person form. *rest of explanations/rules at bottom*

I do not own the Hardy Boys.

Enjoy!

* * *

[Frank and Lark are walking in and out of the camera's sight, shifting things around. The camera's lenses are adjusted before both figures take a seat on some chairs placed in front of the camera's view.]

Frank: Is the camera working, Lark?

Lark: Yeah, it's working fine. Why couldn't you have done this with your own stuff?

Frank: Because Joe screwed up my equipment. _Again._

Lark: Right.

Frank: Thanks a bunch, by the way. We owe you big time.

Lark: No big deal. Besides, this is gonna be a fun project. Which story goes first?

Frank: The squirrel one.

[Lark starts laughing.]

Frank: Wasn't one of our proudest moments.

[Footsteps can be heard, along with an argument. It is easy to tell that Joe is winning, while dragging Vijay to the room. The door opens and slams shut, and the two boys walking into the camera's view. Joe forces Vijay to sit in the chair between Lark and the empty one next to Frank, which he takes once making sure Vijay wouldn't run.]

Vijay: Okay, what is going on? Joe told me it was a secret initiation for ATAC members-

Frank: [glares at Joe] Joe…

Lark: You make it sound like we're hazing the poor kid.

Vijay: -and- Hey! I'm almost the same age as you!

Lark: Key word: almost.

Joe: For my defense, I couldn't think of anything else to say. And technically, we are doing ATAC stuff.

Frank: Okay, whatever. We have to get started.

Joe: Dad?

Frank: Dad. And the rest of the family.

Joe: But mostly Dad?

Frank: Yeah.

Vijay: Can someone please just explain to me why I'm here?

Lark: You said you'll be the official voice, Frank.

Frank: [sighs] Fine, whatever. [clears throat] We agents at ATAC-

Lark: Mainly me, Frank, and Joe.

Frank: -feel the need to warn any and all newcomers of the potential… Damn, what was the word?

Joe: Embarrassment?

Lark: Suffering?

Joe: Scarring?

Frank: I think that it was "uncomfortable" but those words work just as well. Anyways, this series of videos have been named the STUPID Files.

Vijay: The what?

Lark: Super Terrible Undercover Positions Inducing Distress Files.

Joe: ATAC has a lot of acronyms. We decided to add one more.

Lark: You know what that word means?

Joe: Hey…

Frank: In each of these videos, we're going to talk about any of the awkward situations that we've been in.

Joe: Frank's and mine are usually together, but we'll try to have only one person explain.

Lark: I'm mainly here because they're using my stuff to record all of this. I'll toss in a story or two if I can think of anything. Not that many, since I get assigned more of the techie things rather than undercover things.

Frank: If we can, Lark will also pull up Nancy Drew on the video feed.

Vijay: Who's Nancy?

Joe: Chick we met during a few of our cases. She somehow sorta found out about ATAC, but it's cool. She's not a member, though, which is weird. You think they would recruit her. Especially since we got her cleared by the higher ups.

Frank: She's a good detective and-

Fenton: [out of sight of the camera, presumably behind the door] Frank, Joe…

Frank: [sighs] I got this one. You guys keep talking. gets out of chair, and can barely be heard trying to talk to Fenton through the door]

Joe: [sighs and shakes head] Perfect time to have a midlife crisis, right?

Lark: Frank said it was because he was trying to give you advice on all of the things that you guys had to through.

Joe: That too.

Vijay: Um… why am I here? I'm not an agent.

Joe: Yet. You, my friend, get a head start in the learning.

Lark: Not to mention you'll supply the reactions of a person who never deal with this crazy crap.

Joe: [leans back and looks towards doorway] Dad's gettin' antsy. How about we start this tomorrow at noon? He shouldn't be here then.

Lark: And I had the thing set up and everything. [sighs] I'll leave it with Frank. And Joe, if I find out that you touched any of-

Joe: Did Frank blame me? Are you kidding? He was the one who threw it to me when we were chasing that guy-

Lark: [getting up and heading towards the camera] Sure… Anyways, this is the end of our intro to this project. I would do the countdown for the self destruction phase, but I think that-

Joe: Might as well do it. They'll do it themselves when they hand this thing out.

Lark: This'll be fun. [clears throat] This video will self destruct in five… four… three… two… one…

[camera is turned off]

* * *

Now that the intro is over, time for some rules and stuff.

First of all, this was the product of LazyPanther's fourm, Undercover Disasters.

Second, please do NOT ask me to do certain undercover things in reviews! While I would love to hear ideas (and will give credit when credit is due) I will ignore any reviews that simply are just a request. In fact, I would prefer that any suggestions would go into the fourn and continue the conversation instead of them being directed to me! While I am the one who volunteered to write this, I want the ideas to be shared with anyone else who has been writing on that fourn. They are very much a part of this and deserve to at least have an idea on what's going to be a possible chapter here!

That being said... I think I'm done with this bit for now. And as mentioned, squirrels are next (Chromde's idea).


	2. Squirrel Enthusiasts

This one took a while to figure out what I was going to do. Hopefully, I did something right, but most likely not. What do squirrel enthusiasts do anyways...?

Hardy Boys is not mine (they said I was too dangerous to own them :( ). Squirrel enthusiasts is completely Chromde's idea, and I'm just borrowing it for the time being.

Enjoy!

* * *

[Camera is turned on and adjusted to focus on the four seats. Frank and Joe are both in their respective seats.]

Lark: [off screen] You know, the next time I see your dad-

Frank: [sighs] We're sorry, Lark. I don't know how, but he's got this idea into his head that he doesn't spend enough time with us. I mean, it's not the worst thing to realize-

Joe: We're teenagers, if he hadn't noticed. We're old enough to entertain ourselves and we do like time to ourselves.

Lark: Now we just have to make him understand. [appears in view of camera, taking her seat] Where's Vijay?

Frank: [glares at Joe] _Someone_ scared him off.

Joe: [throws up hands] Hey, I'm sorry! I didn't know that he would be that freaked out!

Lark: Didn't you practically drag him here?

Joe: So?

Lark: [shakes head] Nevermind. His loss. So… squirrel story?

Joe: You're obsessed with that story!

Lark: One of those timeless classics for me.

Frank: Okay, fine. I'll do this one.

Joe: Hey-

* * *

~Frank

Squirrel enthusiasts. Somehow, the word "murderer" didn't quite fit the crime to be found among the list things I would expect from them. I expect something like sabotaging construction equipment. I expected attacks on people who would threaten the squirrels' environment. But murdering one of their own…

Let's put it in simple terms: These people didn't look like they had the strength to kill in such a gory way that their fellow squirrel enthusiast had died in.

But, at the moment, it seemed to be the least of our problems.

"Oh _ihell/i_ no!" Joe said, looking at the mascot costume. It was… Well, I think "loved" would have been too kind of a word for it. The oversized squirrel costume had probably been a gray at one point, matching the color of the particular squirrels found in the area. I'm guessing it was fluffy, too.

Notice how all of those words are in past tense. At the moment, the thing looked beyond battered and scraped, with some kind of gray cloth covering were the elbows and knees were about. Patches of fur were missing here and there. Overall, it was a very ugly mess.

"Kids told me that they loved this thing. I think a girl called it _cute._" Joe practically spat out the last word. "Is it just me or do these people have a really bad squirrel addiction?"

"Maybe it's a sentimental thing," I suggested. The glass eyes were really freaking me out. They seemed to be the kind that seemed to follow you when you move around.

"How many kids beat them up in school? I mean, squirrels?" Joe jabbed his foot at the costume, making the whole thing collapse on itself. The eyes were still staring at me. "And didn't they say whoever's in the thing has to feed the squirrels in the forest? Like, rabid squirrels?"

"Feed the ones they release."

"Right. And we know that those people don't have rabies-"

"Can you be nice for five seconds?" My brother has taken every moment he could to complain about the mission. While I have to agree that this was extremely awkward, they were still people.

"Sorry. But this…" He looked at the suit (I think he shuddered) and then at me. "So… flip for it?"

"Why not?" I pulled a quarter from my pocket, and flipped it. "Call it."

"Tails."

Tails. Shit.

To Joe's credit, he helped me get the stupid suit on. While laughing and/or complaining every other second.

Now, while I wasn't liking how the costume looked, I think that being in it was worse. Scratchy everywhere, with probably some kind of squirrel fur in it. Not to mention beyond hot (which, adding the weather of ninety something degrees, was very, very bad). To top it all off, I could barely move in it. Hell, I couldn't sit without tipping over, and when I did land on my side, I couldn't get back up.

And that was just the costume.

Imagine that Santa at the mall, surrounded by kids and kids. Now, replace the nice mall with the outdoors. Make all the kids yell "Peep!" or something along the lines, many pulling on the tail and probably ripping out more of the faux fur. And then mix in some adults doing the same thing.

For the record, I'm pretty sure there are normal squirrel enthusiasts out there. But in my opinion, these people were… extreme.

Someone pushed a bucket of nuts and seeds into my arms. And I managed not to spill most of it. Of course, with stiff arms and a bucket that had to be gripped instead of putting the handle over a wrist…

I half feel over near a clearing which was set with cages everywhere surrounding it. Some of the seed tipped over and fell into a pile near where I tripped. I tried to get up (or at least into a sitting position) but the costume and my inner balance didn't quite agree. I landed on my side, my right shoulder taking the impact.

Joe had fallen down, laughing, at this point. If he was the reason for them kicking us out or blowing our cover (we were posing as high school journalists who had some genuine interest in being a part of their community), I swore I would get him in the costume, tie him up, sprinkle seeds and nuts around him, and find some rabid squirrels for him to "make friends" with.

Yeah, I was a bit grumpy at this point.

I heard the sound of metal, and felt like groaning. They released the squirrels.

It actually wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. They were pretty tame squirrels. From what I could see from my position, they all just went after the food as if I wasn't there at all. And, I hate to admit, but I started to see what people saw in the little creatures. I wasn't going to go crazy over them, but admiring nature (something that Joe referred to as my "natural instincts") gave me a nice feeling about the world.

And then the head guy just had to have loudspeakers for this thing.

Being surrounded by startled squirrels isn't pretty. I estimate that there was about forty squirrels (someone had told me an exact number, but I couldn't remember what it was) and all of them were scared out of their minds by the sudden loud stereo that I was pretty sure no natural being could ever get use to.

So, they did what their natural instincts told them. Which was either run and/or attack me.

The usual thought about squirrels is that they run. Which is true. In fact, I do not recall anything about squirrels being aggressive naturally. The ones that bit the costume and ruined it even more probably picked up habits from us friendly humans.

Joe was the one who scared them away in the end. His brotherly love actually did exceed his want to laugh (go figure).

"Well, those squirrels did go nuts after you," he joked, attempting to help me up.

I groaned at the pun. "You're an asshole."

"Well-" He stopped when he saw a group of little kids coming towards us. "Sorry, guys. Spazy the Squirrel-" I shot him a glare. "-is a bit tired-"

"You scared off the squirrels!" One of the small little boys pointed an accusing finger at my brother.

"What?" It took Joe a moment to realize what he was being rightfully accused of. "Listen, kid, they were attacking-"

"They were scared!" another boy protested.

"It's not right to attack things when you're scared or angry-"

The next thing that happened seemed to be karma coming to kick my brother's ass. You see, he listens to me at his own leisure (unless we're in danger and I have a plan). So, the kids choose that at the moment, they wouldn't listen to him. And they attacked.

Kids vs scared squirrels? It's definitely kids.

One jumped on his back, effectively driving Joe forward into the other kids. Two latched onto his legs, so when Joe tried to move, he fell over. The rest of them then proceeded to pile on top of him and attempt to beat the living crap out of Joe.

I debated with myself briefly whether or not to try and help him out. On one hand, he drove the squirrels away. But he did complain a lot during the mission. And he was the one who put me in the costume in the first place…

A little girl came up to me and gave me a hug. "It's not your fault. The squirrels were scared."

Another one (her sister, I guess, since they looked similar) also walked over to me. "He deserves it," she said, glancing at Joe, "'cause he was mean to the squirrels."

"Yeah… sure…" I looked at Joe, or at least, what I could see of my brother. A few of the parents were trying to get the kids off, saying that Joe didn't know any better. With a mental shrug in his direction, I sighed. I cannot wait until all of this was over with.

* * *

Frank: Happy?

Lark: Yup!

Joe: Why do you like that story so much, anyways?

Lark: The karma.

Joe: [glares at Frank] You should have helped me!

Frank: If you don't remember, I was in a squirrel costume that I could barely move in. Helping wasn't one of the things I could do at the moment.

[Joe sticks his tongue out at Frank]

Lark: [sighs] I'll make it fair next time. I'll tell a story.

Joe: Deal!

Frank: Lemme guess. It's about us?

Lark: Yup.

Joe: Hey-

[Off screen, the sounds of a fist of a door being pounded on can be heard.]

Joe: Great. Dad.

Frank: [sighs] Lark, I hope you don't mind climbing out of the window again.

Lark: I haven't broken or destroyed anything yet…

[Pounding continues, along with uninterruptible words in Fenton's voice.]

Lark: Just keep my things safe. [gets up, and walks towards camera]

Frank: Sure.

Lark: Once again, this disc will most likely be erased and replaced with crappy music in five… four… three… two… and one.

[Camera is shut off.]

* * *

Well, that was... interesting... As for the next chapter, I'm thinking of going canon a bit and doing things from the actual UB books. If anyone has read the first one, you might have an idea of what it's going to be on. If not, here's a hint: How fast does hair grow back after it's been shaved off?


	3. Dyed Hair and Mohawks

This chapter was fun to write... *evil laughter* It refers to the Extreme Danger book from the UB series, but you don't have to read it to understand it.

Special thanks to Hardy Boys UB Fan for the reviews! As a response to your latest review, the answer is not so subtly hidden in the first part of this file. :D

I do not own the Hardy Boys.

Enjoy!

* * *

[Camera goes on. The brothers are all in their seats in front of the camera's view.]

Frank: They said-

Joe: Yeah, and how many teenagers don't swear-

Lark: [off screen] Joe, they're letting us continue this. We might as well comply.

Joe: Well, I don't give a-

Lark: No swearing!

Joe: Yeah… well…

Lark: I can see where they're going with this. Only people who don't need swear words can speak. Hm. Go figure.

Joe: Shut it.

Frank: For those of you have watched the last two videos, you may have notice the swearing. While we had figured that this thing would only be distributed to teenagers who had probably heard worse, ATAC got a hold of this-

Joe: Completely our dad's fault, and we apologize for him.

Frank: -and- Wait, you're the one who was supposed to hide it!

Joe: How was I supposed to know that he was going to go into that particular cabinet?

Frank: You put it with the dishes! How can he _not_ go into that cabinet during some point of the day?

Lark: [adjusting camera slightly and clears throat] Frank…

Frank: Right. So, they're letting us continue with this, but no swearing in case they show these files to young recruits. As in, people who shouldn't have heard swear words-

Joe: But probably picked up something from school, right?

Frank: [sighs] Not the point. Oh, and we might have to redo the other two files as well…

Joe: Wait, then why are we recording this part?

Lark: On the off chance that the first two original videos are shown without editing to people who are use to foul language. And let it also be noted that I'm trying to convince the higher ups for some foul language during some of the videos, which will be marked in their titles.

Joe: Um, why?

Lark: There are situations that the older generations would like to hear about that younger kids should not, so I think swearing would be appropriate. Like that time with the drunks. [walks into view of the camera, and takes her seat] So, anyways, is Vijay-?

Frank: Joe scared him off again.

Lark: Nice job, idiot.

Joe: Okay, that was _not_ what happened! Dad and Aunt T were yelling at me while I was on the phone, and Vijay thought that it would be best to wait "until the storm blows over."

Lark: Blow over? Here? Ha!

Frank: Should we start?

Lark: Yeah, might as well. I decided to go with an effect file rather than an in-the-moment one. Because everything you do has a consequence.

Joe: And how does this apply to us?

Lark: You'll see in a sec…

* * *

~Lark

So it was the beginning of summer break. Of course, that meant that ATAC was going to try and throw us into as many cases that they can because we all had free time. And that, in turn, meant a lot of electronic work on my end.

At the moment on that particular day, I was going through lots of news reports to make sure that the Hardys didn't expose themselves for the stunt that they pulled at the X-Games. Seriously, using their own motorcycles to go through one of those giant loops? (And when I say through, I mean that they went on the inner circumference of the thing as if they were performers of death-defying stunts. Which I guess is what happened, except they were chasing someone so the whole amusement thing wasn't planned.) As far as I could tell from my end of the work, they didn't expose themselves.

Didn't make my life a whole bunch easier.

I had my cell phone already flipped open when it was finishing its first ring. As usual, I didn't bother to look at the number. I recognized the ring that I had assigned to each person, instead. "What did you do now? I just finished going through the videos."

_"What videos?"_ As the bad influence that I am supposedly am, Frank didn't bother with a greeting that he usually did if it was someone other than me (or Joe, now that I think about it).

"Your pretty trick with the… what did they call it? Monster Loop jump?"

_"That was not planned at all."_

"Yeah, I figured. You wouldn't do something like this without at least some kind of safety check. Joe, on the other hand…"

_"Well, there's something else from the mission that I need help with."_

"I swear, if it involves any more videos-"

_"It doesn't. I just need to borrow some of the hair dye removal you have."_

Figures that he asked me. In Bayport, I was somewhat known for my bizarre hair color. I've been through all of the colors of the rainbow and then some. Along with a few partials, highlights, and my own creative mixes. Of course, some of my own ideas didn't turn out pretty, so I always had some removal stored away. That, and the fact that my parents got a little more than upset when they found that my school pictures came back in a very bright blue.

"You better explain."

_"I will. Can you come over now?"_

"Sure, why not?" I closed the phone in one hand without any kind of goodbye. I was going to see him in a few minutes, so why should I bother?

And it was a few minutes before I came to the Hardy house, my bag tossed over my shoulder with some hair dye removal. Then I went through a debate of whether to use the front door or climb the fence and then climb the roof over part of the back porch to get into Frank's room.

I picked my usual course.

"Lark!"

As one could tell, Frank was not exactly happy with my choice.

Then again, I wasn't happy with his hair color.

"Blue? What in the world make you think that you should dye your hair blue?"

"We needed to disguise ourselves. The guards would have recognized us, and…" He trailed off, sighing. "The store owners convinced me after Joe agreed to get a Mohawk."

"A Mohawk? Joe? Are you sure that you two didn't lose more than a few brain cells doing the death-defying stunts?"

"I honestly don't know anymore." Frank sighed. "Well, do you think I can get this stuff out of my hair?"

I walked over and pushed his hair a bit so I would be able to see the roots. "From what I know, I'm pretty sure you can. We better start if you want to get it out before dinner."

"You're a lifesaver."

"It's just dye. I use it all the time. How exactly am I a lifesaver?"

"One of Dad's friends is coming over tomorrow. It's easier to not explain how Dad's two intelligent sons suddenly got their hair 'punked' out."

"Don't use that word again. Ever."

* * *

True to my word, Frank's hair went from shocking blue to the normal brown that it usually was before dinner. In return, he invited me to the family dinner. And I met Playback. That bird was the most annoying thing I had ever had the displeasure of knowing.

"He's not that bad!"

"The thing called you a wimp. About twenty times in five minutes. Tell me how that isn't bad."

Frank smiled sheepishly. "It's something it picked up from its past owner. We got the guy arrested-"

"And you figured that you should keep his parrot? That brings the count of stupid things you did over the week to three."

"Okay, the loop thing was not planned!"

"So you say…"

"He says what?" Joe came out from the living room, making it the first time that I saw him since they came back from the X-Games. I took one good look at the Mohawk, and laughed very loudly.

Joe Hardy, with a Mohawk. What was he thinking?

Blondie didn't appreciate it. "It's not funny!"

"You've looked in a mirror, right?"

"She's got a point, Joe. And you messed it up even more."

"ARUG!" He threw his hands up in annoyance. "You people do not understand style! I mean, you both dyed your hair! Lark, yours is purple and blue if you haven't noticed!"

"But mine looks okay at least. You just look… well…" I glanced at Frank. "There's a word for this, isn't there?"

"I'm not so sure anymore…"

Joe glared at us, before huffing loudly and leaving us. Which was really pointless, really, since we had to follow him into the dining room for some dinner.

Ms. Hardy (or Trudy, since she let me use her given name) smiled when she saw Frank. Or, rather, his hair. "Oh, thank goodness! The color is out!"

"Now she can identify who you are and not as some thug," Joe added with a snicker.

Her attention immediately went to him. "It's more than I can say for you! How ever are you supposed to have a decent dinner at a nice restaurant with your hair like that?"

I tilted my head. It's a habit I developed from some art class when I had an idea. "You could just shave it all."

I think everyone was looking at me at this point. Joe's eyes widened. He instantly said, "No way!"

"You already shaved off most of it," Frank said with a smile forming. "It wouldn't be that much of an issue to get done, and I think that it might look more respectable than the Mohawk."

"Frank!"

"True," Mrs. Hardy (who insists that I call her Laura. Actually, I call Fenton by his given name too. At least, when I remember to.) said. "I can call up my hair dresser for a last minute appointment."

"Lark can do it," Frank volunteered.

I nodded in agreement. "I've done some styling before, so shaving off the rest of Joe's hair shouldn't be too much of an issue."

"Hello! I'm still in the room!"

"Every action comes with a consequence," Fenton said in the wise man sort of way. I think it was more like, "Sorry son, but everyone else is coming to the same conclusion, and I don't want to be stuck on the losing side of this war. Especially against my wife and older sister."

It helped either way, though.

"So you're going to let Lark shave off the rest of my hair? Seriously?"

"You let complete strangers shave off most of it," I said dryly.

"But they were professionals! You're- Well-"

"Yes, I'm a freak with my hair color and style always changing. But the thing is, I've done it all to myself plus a few others. I can handle shaving off the rest of your hair."

At this point, I think Joe began to realize that he was losing. But he wasn't going down without a fight. "I'm not letting you near my head. Trusting you with-"

"It's the same as trust me with them," Frank said. "I'll even be in the room and hold your hand."

"Not funny!"

Laura tapped her fork against her glass of water. "Joe, you're going to let Lark get rid of that Mohawk after dinner. You should have thought about this before you got it."

Joe groaned loudly. Frank and I shared a smile before digging into the food. If anything, it was going to be entertaining.

* * *

Joe was flipping out at me before and after I shaved off the rest of his hair. "Seriously, that guy Dad's bringing over would probably chalk it up to teenage stupidity!"

"He would also wonder how supposedly an intelligent teenager of Fenton Hardy would do something really, really stupid."

"Can we please agree that stupid is a point of view?" I asked, holding the electric razor in my hand. "Because I have plenty of friends who have Mohawks."

"Wait, then why did you laugh at me?"

"Because it's you. And have you seen your closet?"

"I have some stuff that goes perfectly with the current state of my hair!"

"And from what I've seen, you two don't look right in those clothing either. Now hold still!"

* * *

Lark: And after that, Joe mourned the remainder of his hair that covered the floor. The end.

Joe: Do you know how long it took to grow it back?

Lark: The same amount of time it would take for the hair that was shaved off earlier to?

Frank: You lived, Joe. Despite all the whining-

Joe: It was kinda traumatizing for me!

Lark: That's you. People do it everyday, so stop whining.

Joe: You know, I think the worse part was that you were the one shaving my hair. I mean, if it were some hot chick-

[Lark punches Joe in the arm.]

Joe: Ow!

Lark: Your own fault.

Frank: [sighs] Come on, let's end this.

[Lark gets up and walks past the camera.]

Joe: This disk will most likely be erased, unless someone has something against me and wants to hear the story again-

Frank: Joe.

Joe: Fine, fine. It should be erased in five… four… three… two… one…

[Camera goes off.]

* * *

Still trying to figure out what I'm doing next... *goes through books again*

As for the swearing thing, in the chapter titles, anything that has something that involves swearing for good reason (most likely, some situation that little people shouldn't know about despite them actually knowing...) there'll be a (T) in it. I think.


	4. Going Green Apparently

First off, I'm really sorry that this is taking a while. This chapter took a while to come up with, which will be somewhat explained later on.

Next, to respond to my commenters! This chapter doesn't have any of the suggested titles, because I'm setting up something here that will probably be worth it in the next chapter (I hope!). I will try and get to them in the next chapter. However, Hardy Boys UB Fan, I cannot do the suggest chapter. Or, at least, the first half where they save the girl's life (For those too lazy to try and find said comment, it's Feeding Freenzy Ch 12). I have seen one of such techniques that they use on TV and it makes me squeemish (probably not a word...). The trio will explain a little more of that particular issue when they start. But I would like to thank both you and urbiggest fan for the suggestions! I will use the books in a bit!

Now, last thing to say before the disclaimer is that this chapter might not be too funny compared to the others. That's because I'm setting up something for the next part, Joe would probably do this if given the chance, and this relates to the Running of Fumes book, which I didn't really feel like finding a point. I'll go and redeem the book later.

So, now that I've type a bit, I would like to say that I do not own the Hardy Boys (everyone tells me it's obvious why, but won't say why) and enjoy!

* * *

[Camera turns on, and Lark moves into sight. Frank, Joe, and Vijay are already sitting in chairs.]

Joe: Can we start now?

Frank: We have to answer the requests that ATAC sent us.

[Vijay fidgets in his seat.]

Lark: [sits in her chair] And the ones all those agents sent.

Joe: How did they find out about this anyways? We only made like, what, three videos?

Lark: An organization of teenagers. It's a miracle within itself that the whole world hasn't found out about us.

Frank: Should I start?

Joe: Go ahead, Mr. Official Speaker.

Frank: Shut it. Anyways, since ATAC has found out, and thus our fellow agents and tech support and such, we've been receiving requests to talk about certain missions. However, there are things that we wish to establish right now because we rather not deal with them in the future. Remember, we're still agents too, and we are dealing with the same things you're dealing with.

Lark: The basics of it are just don't send requests, in my opinion-

Frank: Lark!

Lark: What?

Frank: [sighs] For all of you who are watching this, I would like to make the request of you to hold off asking for certain things. As much as we like the ideas and want to help you guys out, there are situations that we're not fond of talking about.

Lark: Basically, do _not_ ask about life or death situations involving other people. We know that the names mentioned in missions are fake names in order to protect identities. But it's still personal and a security risk to talk about it. Not to mention extremely uncomfortable. If you want to find out things like that, ask someone else please.

Joe: This project is mainly to embarrass us and make you guys feel a bit better knowing that you're not the only one who suffers from funny situations. Not to show our own dealings with saving lives and the fears that comes from that.

Frank: If you've heard about one of those situations from a file or, God forbid, some kind of book out there about us-

Lark: Which there shouldn't be one in existence.

Frank: -then that's all you're getting.

Joe: Now for my story!

Vijay: What am I doing here?

Joe: We were gonna get to you sooner or later. We just chose sooner for you.

Vijay: I don't get a say in this?

Joe and Lark: Nope!

Frank: Sorry. I tried to get you out of it, but they had an idea in their heads and actually worked together, which is a miracle within itself…

Lark: Don't push it.

Joe: Besides, you said we're more destructive when we are arguing.

Frank: That's what I thought before I saw the combined forces.

Lark: Anyways, it's Joe's turn now.

Joe: Well, I thought about bringing a story about a drunk at our school assembly. It is not _ithe/i_ drunk story, but it is a story about a drunk. And since he didn't swear or anything like that, I think we're good.

Frank: Wait a sec. How does that one related to any of the missions at all?

Joe: Well, it wasn't technically a school assembly and yet it was held at school after we came back from that one mission where we got our new motorcycles. You know, the one with the road trip and the environment people…

Frank: That mission?

Lark: That get-together mess? You can't be serious…

Joe: But I am. [tries to laugh evilly, but ends up just looking funny]

* * *

~Joe

Frank was right when he predicted Mom would go completely berserk on us when we used the reasoning of stopping in a town for a environment conference to explain our sudden expansion of knowledge and questions. But seriously, why did he blame me? I swear, I thought that it was a pretty good idea to tell Mom and Aunt Trudy. In fact, I thought this thing would just phase out as our other "sudden interests" had. Of course, Frank reminded me that I hadn't factored in our mother's own obsession with creating recycled Christmas gifts from plastic bottles and tin cans.

I never did say I was perfect.

…okay, maybe I have.

But seriously, how could her sudden thing for showing off all those books and videos in the library because we increased her pride would create a school assembly-thing? In the beginning of summer vacation, no less!

Chet sighed again. "I like your family and all, but this is just…"

"Crazy? Annoying? Other words that I won't use because I would feel bad using them against Laura?" Lark suggested as a way for our friend to finish his sentence. "I just think the school agreed to because they think we're wasting away our brains during vacations."

"Not all of us are," Frank reminded her, probably referring to the ATAC missions that were soon to pile up on us. I almost groaned at the thought. Summer vacation full of relaxation? Ha! I think not.

Lark didn't seem happy about the thought, either. "Some of us have work to be doing."

"At least there's food," I muttered. Well, it wasn't exactly the best news, since it was all organic veggies and fruits. And punch. Always there is punch. But kids like us don't mind the occasional cookie. Or cake.

"And a sculpture contest," Lark added.

"A what?"

"You heard me. Sculpture contest. An assemblage from recycled things."

"That's art?"

She whacked me in the back of my head. I should have remembered she likes the art students. Speaking of which…

"Hey Phil! Are you here for the contest?" Chet called out. The resident nerd (besides my brother, that is) smiled and walked to us with a canvas tucked under one arm and a bag slung over his other.

"Nah. Mrs. Hardy wants some more landscape paintings to display. Besides, sculpture was never my thing," he said. "With any luck, someone will buy one."

"If anyone, it'll be our Mom," Frank said with a slight eye roll.

"You'll have plenty of people. You're one of the best painters here!" Lark encouraged.

"If Mom doesn't buy them all out first," I muttered. Chet, Phil, and Lark gave me a look. "Hey, she's kinda in an obsessive mood about this kind of thing. Not my fault!"

Of course, this somehow started an argument between me and Lark (she called it Socratic questioning, but I am beyond sure it was just screwing with my head). And, us being the way we are and therefore hostile towards one another, it lasted for quite a long time. Long as in an hour long.

By the time we were done, Chet, Phil, and Frank (along with everyone else there) had gone over to watch the assemblages being built. We figured that we should watch too, since everything else that was organized seemed kinda lame if you weren't one of the elementary kids running around. I mean, it wasn't like it was all stupid… it just felt stupid to us. That, and I saw some guy in a mascot costume of a forest creature. After the whole squirrel thing… Yeah, I'm not gonna go there…

It was at this point that we noticed that the majority of the things being made were using cans. Frank, being the all-knowing source of things within the world (besides Mom, that is), explained it as the best supporting force to make big pieces without worrying about broken glass.

"Um, not that I don't support the art people and all, but why are there a lot of beer cans?" Chet asked.

"A lot of local bars donated them. Mom didn't want to use them, but there were way more competitors than planned and we lacked the soda cans."

"Oooohhhh."

"But it'll smell like beer. And we're surrounded by little people," Lark pointed out.

"Why do you think they're only allowed paper products and plastic bottles?"

"Still not the best reasoning."

"Lark, since when do we need the best reasoning?" I asked.

"Since we need to make sure the population of future Joes is limited."

"Hey…"

It was then that we heard the metallic crunching and falling of one of the sculptures, which signaled the beginning of our problems.

Someone cried in anguish at their ruined sculpture (it probably wasn't too bad, though, considering they were all using hot glue guns to keep it together), but more people were staring at the middle aged guy who knocked it over. His hair and clothes were a mess, and his eyes were bloodshot. Slouching over, he tried to remove a beer can from the sculpture, only to find that it was glued on pretty well to the others.

"Have you ever…. hic… seen a sailor… hic…"

"Is he trying to sing?" Lark asked.

"Um… maybe?"

Frank shot me a look. "We have to get him outta here."

"Why us?"

"Because there's no security around here, and we're usually the ones doing this kind of stuff anyways."

"And I ask again: Why us?"

This time, Frank just sighed. One of those you-better-do-as-I-say-unless-you-want-to-deal-with-the-unknown-wrath-I-contain sighs. Or, as he calls them, the hurry-up-and-help sigh.

So, I did as the sigh commanded.

Of course, the guy had to go and try to put up a fight instead of taking a hint and letting up escort him out. "Leave me… hic! Alone!"

"Come on, buddy. It's long past drinking hours." I tried to get a hold of the guy's arm. He flailed, and tried to hit me. I, being the ever fighting, hotheaded person I am, had already known to duck.

Frank, my ever lovable, thinkable brother, did not have such instinct.

It was fun watching Frank fall into another sculpture. Mainly because the group working on that particular one was trying their hardest not to glue anything, therefore the whole thing tumbled on my dear brother.

The best part was that there was still some water in the cans when they were cleaning them.

Despite losing Frank to the mass amounts of cans that were a part of the sculpture, I managed to take down the guy single-handily. That's when the police showed up (still haven't figured out who called them) and arrested the guy for disturbing the peace. Lark was helping Frank up, and that's when things got really… weird.

"Lark," Phil said, "you're hair… it's…"

"What?" After pulling Frank up and helping him to steady himself, she grabbed a strand and put it in front of her face. "You must be kidding me!"

She later said it was some dye her friend let her borrow, and she didn't know that any exposure to alcohol would change the navy blue to some kind of repulsive green. Apparently, full exposure to beer would have made it a very sick yellow-greenish color, but since she had gotten some of the water (with remains of diluted beer within it) on her hair, it only turned that much.

Still made me laugh my head off. Along with half of the school.

Lark glared at me. One of those death glares that told me I should have been running. Problem is, there were too many witnesses for her to try and do anything.

Ha! I won twice! I took down a guy by myself and Lark couldn't kill me!

Then the little kids started kicking down their sculptures and singing really off key. I guess they thought it was all a game. Two of the second graders managed to get to the punch bowl and poured it all over another girl's head. That resulted in a toss the bottle at each other contest that-

* * *

Lark: Wait wait wait. What is this?

Joe: What?

Lark: What connects this at all to the mission?

Joe: Well, you see, if we hadn't gone on that mission, we wouldn't have the bogus lie and started asking environmental questions to our mom about whether wearing tin would allow you to get energy, and therefore Mom wouldn't have put together the assembly thing in school, and therefore-

Frank: [shakes head and appears to be getting a headache] Is the moral supposed to be don't reveal too much knowledge of previous missions?

Joe: See? He gets it!

Vijay: It seems like you were trying to humiliate them.

Joe: That too.

Lark: Let it be known that until we decide that Joseph Irving Hardy is mature, he is not allowed to be the narrator and _make me waste film-_

Joe: You didn't waste film. This is automatically being sent. I set up the camera feed to go directly to HQ.

[Everyone stares at Joe: Vijay in amazement and horror, Frank looks like he has a really bad headache, and Lark is furious.]

Lark: That's it.

[Lark gets up, and goes toward Joe with her arms outstretched, looking as if she is going to choke him. Joe jumps up from his chair and promptly runs in the opposite direction.]

Frank: [gets up from the chair and walks to the camera] HQ techies and whoever else is watching, please do us a favor and pretend this thing never happened? Please?

[Camera is shut off.]

* * *

Of course, the fact that this is now out in public should make them wonder how much ATAC likes to embarrass them.

The next chapter will be funnier. That is, if you like making fun of people recounting tales that can be used as blackmail and so happens to be a father figure... *still hasn't tortured Fenton enough*


	5. Fenton's Story rated T

I'm really REALLY sorry this is taking so long. However, real life has quite a pull on me so I cannot promise much of any of the stories I write anytime soon. I work on them sporatically and spontaniously. It fills the pockets that it can... *hugs everyone*

So, that's the real reason as to why this took so freaking long (and I can ignore language rules in this file! Go T!). If one wants the story reason, Frank and Joe are under some really harsh grounding rules, so it took a while to do what all teens do while grounded: plot, plan, break rules, and execute plan.

So, with the usual disclaimer (which, for reference, says that I do not own the Hardy Boys), enjoy!

* * *

[Camera turns on, and a split screen is revealed. On the left, it looks at if the camera is placed on the floor and angled to look up at a bed at the opposite end of the room. On the right, Lark is leaning against the back of her chair typing away at a keyboard that cannot be seen.]

Lark: [looks directly at camera] So, as you may have realized, this is not a typical setup for our recording. The story behind it involves two main things. One is the fact that ATAC released the last video without our consent. The other is that our dear old founder Fenton Hardy watched it and decided that his sons yelling at each other along with me attempting to beat up Joe wasn't exactly what he wanted to see in those files. What he fails to realize is that the three of us have a very, _very_ special relationship. Believe me, if we didn't, one of us would probably be in a ditch somewhere. Now-

[Some static is heard, and Lark turns and adjusts something off screen.]

Frank: [voice] Can you hear me?

Lark: Loud and clear. Bad timing, though.

Frank: [voice] Sorry, but Joe just managed to buy some time.

Lark: Well, fast forwarding the explanation; until further notice, Frank and Joe are grounded and it seems like I'm not allowed in the house. And Vijay just kind of scrammed on us. So we plotted and planned revenge.

Frank: [voice] You'll see us in a sec with our dad. We've managed to con him into giving us his own story since he's so convinced that his experience will make us better.

Lark: I practically heard an eye roll in that. Aren't you supposed to be the worshipping one?

Frank: [voice] I'm getting beyond annoyed with him. He's having some kind of midlife crisis, and nothing will get him to stop! Wait- Damn, he's coming back. Later.

[A switch sound is heard.]

Lark: We're hoping this humbles the guy and allows us revenge at the same time. Joe managed to find out about a certain incident that Fenton tried to conceal from his lovely wife, which she so happened to find out. Of course, he doesn't know that little detail. However, the content in it is enough to allow us to bump the rating for this little story up enough to give us clearance to swear. So expect it from my line and the other two once he-

[On the left screen, three figures enter the room. Frank and Joe each take a spot to sit on the bed. The other, Fenton Hardy, stands before them with his back to the camera, obstructing some of the view of Joe.]

Fenton: Joe, if she's going to threaten you-

Joe: [sighs] Dad, if she really was going to kill me, I would have placed her with the cops. However, Lark isn't the kind to do that because she loves to annoy me. Without that, she'll probably implode. Hey, that actually-

Fenton: I don't care. She is obviously a bad influence on you and-

Frank: Do you have any experience with people like… her?

Lark: [frowning] If he's gonna insult me, then he should do it properly.

Fenton: I'm surprised that you haven't met anyone like Lark on a case.

Lark: Maybe the lack of good insults runs in the genes from Fenton. He thinks I'm a criminal, though, so I should get him for that…

Joe: People like her? [throws up hands] Dad, she's one of a kind destruction running around on two legs and chameleon hair!

Lark: [smirks] He knows I'm watching. At least there's some hope for them.

Joe: Not to mention that her face can blow up things with just a look!

Fenton: Why are you friends with her?

Frank: [sighs and makes air quotations] "A unique understanding."

Joe: [elbows Frank] You're just jealous.

Frank: Of what exactly?

Joe: [grins and turns his attention away from Fenton] Our unique understanding.

Fenton: Joe!

Joe: What? Until you prove otherwise, I'm still Lark's friend.

Frank: I agree with Joe. We've had plenty of odd friends who have saved our lives more than once.

Fenton: There is one story…

Joe: And… you're gong to tell it to us, right?

Frank: You might as well…

Fenton: It's not an appropriate story.

Lark: They better con him into telling. Now I want to hear.

Joe: Dad, how old are we again? How many killers have Frank and I caught?

Frank: We've had… awkward situations ourselves.

Lark: Which will eventually be told, unless the mental scarring is too much.

Fenton: [posture falls a bit] If you promise not to tell anyone else-

Joe: We promise.

Lark: His hand is behind his back crossing his fingers, if you can't tell.

Fenton: [sighs] If it'll help convince you to stay away from Lark…

Lark: Honestly, I'm not as bad as the woman in the story… I don't whore myself around…

* * *

~Fenton

Andy had been a good friend of mine for years before the incident happened. She was wild; different from Lark, but still different from most of society. Still rebellious, but not as outspoken.

Anyways, she came with me and Sam Radley to a detective convention in California this one year. I had just married your mom, and she had agreed to wait until the convention was over before meeting me at the airport to go to Hawaii. We had the rooming situation so that Radley and eye shared one while Andy had shared one with a friend.

It started during dinner that night when everything started.

"Why do you even like Laura anyways?" Andy asked before stabbing another forkful of salad off her plate. "You never told me before the wedding…"

"Huh?" I wondered why she would ask. Every time we asked her about her boyfriends, she just said that it was because there was something indescribable between them. Sam and I assumed that the same applied to us when we got with our others.

"I mean, she's a bookish type, right?" She shrugged her shoulders before looking back at her plate. "I pinned you as the adventurous type."

"I'm not sure if I could live with adventure every second of my life. I'll lose more years in the end." Her description of Laura bothered me. Bookish wasn't a word I would use t describe my wife. Knowledgeable, yes, but she was outspoken and ready to fight if need be. The two things didn't click together in my mind at all.

Sam gave Andy a look. "Haven't you gone out with Laura at all? For like a girl's night out or something like that?"

"We don't have much in common. It would be awkward. I really don't understand how you two manage to hit it off," Andy replied back. She looked up with her brown eyes, and stared straight at me with some kind of… anger?

"It's just the way it is. There's not much else I can do to explain it."

"Of course." After finishing off her salad, she picked up her plate and drink. "I promise to speak to someone, so I might do it now. Continue your… guy talk."

"Uh-" But she had already turned around and left before I could put in a single protest.

Another guy who seemed like a college kid took her spot. "Your wife?" he asked me.

"No! She's a partner!" Wife? Where did he get that idea from?

"Oh, sorry. It's just that the look that she gave you reminds me of what my girlfriend looks at me when she's upset or jealous. But I'm still new to this and all…" He shrugged.

"Hm…" Sam ripped apart a roll that he was holding. "Now that you mention it, it makes me think that she had a crush on you, Fenton."

"A crush?" In my own life, I have been oblivious to such things. In fact, Laura was truly my first and only serious relationship that I ever had. Other girls who had crushes on me had to literally walk up to me and ask me out because I just never noticed them. And at that time during my high school years, it wasn't common to do that. "Wait… is she upset that I married Laura-"

* * *

Joe: [gives Fenton a look that seems to be a mix of curiosity and outrage] Wait, you're telling me that Lark could possibly have a crush on me?

Frank: You two? Together? Someone help us all.

Lark: [has an eyebrow raised] Joe and me? That's beyond impossible.

Fenton: It's possible-

Joe: [laughs] No it isn't. You see, Lark and I have spent so much time together that we realize that a date between us would only lead to disaster. We have an unusual friendship, but no love.

Lark: Here, here.

Fenton: That's not the point of the story. I was getting to it.

* * *

"Probably. I mean, if we think about it, it was pretty obvious." Sam sighed. "Just what we needed."

"But… we've known each other for years! Why didn't she say anything?" The other conflict that I didn't want to announce was whether I had feelings for her or not. It really wasn't a question: I loved Laura.

"It's a woman thing, I guess," the other guy offered as an explanation. "My ex tried to pull something like that off once. It was creepy as hell, too. She went and-"

"Kid, as much as we appreciate the story, we don't know anything about you," Sam said rather bluntly. "Telling personal stories is for friends. What's your name, anyways?"

The guy blushed. "Sorry. I get carried away at times. I'm Frank-"

* * *

Frank: Wait, wait, wait. Are you telling me that- [points to himself as a look that resembles one of horror starts appearing on his face]

Lark: [gives a low whistle] Now _that_ we didn't know.

Joe: I hope it's a coincidence, Dad. You might have given Frank a heart attack.

Fenton: May I continue, please?

* * *

"-Alanger."

"Fenton Hardy." I offered my hand, which the kid too and shook. Sam did the same, except he was still watching/glaring at Frank.

"I hope Andy doesn't do something stupid," Sam finally said. It seems like he was still on the topic. "Remember what happened last time?"

"Which last time are you referring to?" I had lost track of which time Sam could be referring to. Andy was the type of girl that had stories all around her. In fact, now that I reflect on it, she was the kind of girl in high school who had all the popularity but with a lot of rumors that came along with it.

"Don't remember the guy's name. There're too many," my partner said, taking sudden interest in his drink. "But I do remember what happened. She went on a whole screaming campaign about how the guy couldn't… live up to her measures."

"Wha- Oh." It had taken me a second to realize what Sam was referring to. It seems that Frank was faster than I was on these kinds of matters.

"Well… that isn't, um… too bad."

"She's good with photo editing."

"Oh…" Frank winced slightly at the implication.

"Wait, wait. You think that-" I pointed to the general direction that Andy had walked to, and then to myself. Coming up with the words to describe my predicament wasn't easy.

"You know Andy more-"

"You know I can't understand her sometimes!"

"Um…" Frank pointed off to the side. "Either of you two know about that guy she's talking to over there?"

That already sounded less than pleasing. I looked over to where Frank was pointing, and gasped.

"Isn't that-"

"Ex-boyfriend a hundred something? I think so," Sam confirmed.

"More specifically, the one who was a photographer?"

"Oh God…"

"He doesn't have a camera." Frank pointed out. "But it looks like… a chocolate bar?"

"It's a remote, kid," Sam said.

The game of guessing what was going to happen to me was becoming far from pleasant. "I should probably-"

"Are you really going to try and go against Andy?" Sam did have a point. She was a formidable fighter…

"She plans things much worse," I reminded my friend. "I better-"

"Fenton Hardy!"

"Looks like the shows going on without you," Sam muttered.

I turned to face the woman I thought I had known. "Andy-"

"You've been playing with my heart for far too long! You're a bastard who chose one whore to be with!" Her voice was getting increasingly louder very fast. "I'm going to expose you as the womanizer that you are!"

"Andy, I've only been with Laura!"

"You LIAR!" And with that, a shower of pictures suddenly seemed to fall from the sky. I looked up to see a capsule opened up and the remaining pictures falling from it. I grabbed one out of the sky and-

* * *

Frank and Joe: And?

Fenton: [clears throat] I'll tell you when you get older.

Joe: [waves hands in exaggeration] What? Dad, we're seventeen and sixteen! There's not much that we _don't_ know about at this point!

Lark: It's school. That's where I found out a whole lot of things that I did not need to know. Ever.

Frank: Can you at least tell me why you happened to meet a guy name Frank in this story, and you're the one who happened to name me Frank?

Lark: He already knows. I doubt that he wants to admit it, though.

Fenton: Well…

Joe: What? Did she managed to get an edited picture of you and a bunch of other girls naked?

[A silence falls among them all.]

Lark: [whistles] He had to hit the nail on the head on purpose.

Fenton: Well… it wasn't…

Joe: [stands up and examines Fenton] What? Was it? Wasn't what? The only problem would be if… you…

Lark: Oh no…

Joe: [looks at Fenton one more time, then sprints off screen] Mom! Dad cheated on you right when- [voice begins to fade out a bit]

Fenton: Joe! [follows Joe off screen]

[Frank appears to be taking deep breaths once the other two are gone.]

Lark: Well, Joe basically told the rest of that part. Andy teamed up with an ex, got her photo editing on, and tried to get revenge on a man who had not noticed her for years. Let's note that, despite the fact that Fenton Hardy can understand motive of love and is supposedly an amazing PI, cannot understand others when they pass moves on him. The Frank from the story managed to help him in his embarrassment, and… yeah…

[Frank pulls out a Bluetooth and puts it to his ear.]

Frank: I don't think Mom knew what Dad was thinking when he names me.

Lark: Was it really that bad for him?

Frank: Well, there is another part to the story-

Lark: Wait, what?

Frank: It's a whole other thing that would need to be saved for a bigger issue.

Lark: And Joe's still going downstairs to tell your mom because…?

Frank: I really have no idea. I think he's just trying to get Dad into trouble. And since he managed to buy us time, I can't really say it's him doing something pointless.

Lark: Very, very true. So, should I expect the camera from the usual place?

Frank: Yeah. Hopefully, this'll convince Dad to un-ground us. [pauses as a look of realization hits his face] Then again…

Lark: It's not really blackmail considering that ATAC is going to post this no matter what. Direct feed and all.

Frank: But still, it leaves a bad taste in my mouth.

Lark: Well… um… now your dad can see what we deal with when we do these!

Frank: That didn't help much.

Lark: I'm a techie. You really shouldn't have expected much counseling on my part.

Frank: True. [sighs and walks toward camera] Well, we're signing off for now. Hopefully Dad won't get too pissed off at us. See ya.

[Left half of the screen goes black.]

Lark: He does have a point… Oh well. We weren't getting anything done anyways. We'll try to get back to making files eventually, but until then, I'm signing off. So, this interesting file will be erased in five… four… three… Ah, screw it.

[Right side of the screen goes blank.]

* * *

There is another part, but like Frank said, they need it for other times... And exactly why is our lovable Frank named after this Frank that Sam seems to hate? That'll come up whenever they need to... "humble" Fenton again. *evil laughter* So, until the pockets of random time equal another chapter, ta ta for now!


End file.
